Friday, 12 September 2014

Golden age

Things are moving so fast to me , if i try to stop and think , wait and just remember , lots of changes happened this year ...
Since the day i graduated , things went very differently , unpredictably , awesome and just strange .
I have been through several emotional journeys , each had its period , some where mixed together , others were purely felt , with no other interference . 
I write that down because there are too many things to consider , i wish if i can just tell time to pause a bit for me to take a big breathe and just wonder .
God has been very generous with me , i felt it mostly this year, and i keep reminding myself to appreciate , but this ambitious desire of a more and more of his generosity might make me slip to the bottom , missing some steps that i've already taken . And this fear of losing or not catching up , concealing new experiences to myself , not sharing most of the stories , because of fear .  Huge portion of it goes to Envy's favor , and other portions are of some people might hold me back of moving forward , people like my parents sometimes , mostly mom , and people that might knock doors , like a future husband , and a child or two perhaps , also people from my family ... but then i say i should slow down , i have this ignited power in me to know more , read new information , enrich my cognition , and widening the realm of my thinking and realizing , but i have to slow down , cause desire might kill me , or just make me proud enough to blind me from my duties , as a daughter , as an Egyptian , as a Muslim . 
I applied for Masters studies in Cairo Uni. , and in Engineering Faculty , which made me quite satisfied that i am actually feeling related to Engineering -even if education overall sucks in any faculty - but that gave me a good portion of joy and relief . I enjoyed knowing new professors , listening to what science they are going to talk about and reveal to us .
I had this first joy of someone from family getting engaged with no hard feelings in the air , went smoothly and just simply . We had this experience before , but it hadn't receive its right from any of us . 
I heard from the second week of my enrollment to the Msc. about a call for participation in Germany , i had this glimpse in my eye , a trip , to Europe ! I was a bit excited , but i really didn't put much of an effort when trying to take a position , and at that time i just sent an E-mail for the requirements , and just talked it to dad as if it is a possibility or not , just a dreamer's chit-chat . During that , i just wanted to do anything , find any opportunity , or doing whatever , to unleash this energy , i went to AUC twice , for some stupid English class given by students younger than me , i just had the joy of hitting the ring road with some classmates , and seeing the beauty of the University , and a bit of  a discovering look on how students live , act and deal in the campus .
Then i got struck with the news from Tamer , the teaching assistant , of some required papers for my application , and very weird files that i wasn't familiar with , were sent to my e-mail , i was puzzled and was like , ok, i will do what you want , but is this for the interview or just a part of the application process to be interviewed ? 
By time i knew i was actually one of those are accepted -and as soon as possible i should act to get a passport and papers from El Mogamaa and etc...
Days passed , and i found myself in Turkey's airport , then to Berlin's ..Cold , Gloves , Scarf , Boots , Sweater , Perfection , almost ! But still , i was , between me and myself , drooling ! 
Between me and myself ,  i was thinking that my tracing to Omar's steps are coming true , me applying to the holding company the day i was going to the airport for my night trip to Germany , the country that took him as well for his life-time trip to Europe , that made me feel a special feeling . I took some of his stuff while traveling , and i was happy , regardless many things  , but i was still happy .
Trip was over , and since then and till now , things in me were a bit different , dormant things , sometimes they are don't make me pushy , but other times , they just make me emotionally and mentally excited . 
first semester was over , and the anxiousness of looking for a job arouse , i needed funding , funding , funding , like a bell , it just rung every day , looked in newspapers , facebook pages , company's websites , freelancing trials - that took me sometime in the period directly after i graduated - until i heard of this request for 2013 fresh graduates application to SDC , i applied , they called , made this Autocad test which was the start of my story of my life in SDC .
My first  days were tough , full of shyness , emotional pressure , and the first trial of seeing someone requesting for his resignation , and not just anyone , the one who was teaching me ! I was terrified how am i gonna deal without him , then the next , then the next , i was thinking of the day when i won't find them , and as i was THAT spontaneous and naive ,  i thought i won't see them ever again in anywhere , or like i won't hear from them like i used to , and i will be just remembering those days where they used to be on their desks , and so , but then money turned in , first income for 12 days were pretty cool to me , i think i didn't put anything in the bank , maybe a 1000 , for wanting to buy a smartphone , but again , i felt change . 
I was pretty bored in many times , during breaks , pretty lonely , most if the times , took a corner , pretty serious , then people's invitations happened , many invitations , and celebrations , birthdays , cakes and candles , easy tasks , easy time , laughters and jokes .
Then i just felt that anything if it say , anybody just can notice it , reply to it , comment , transcend or forward it . Ethical challenges started , and i dunno if i ever started acted properly towards them , i dunno if ethical failures started to fade on me , like going late , working not at my very best ... or if i just got bored , and didn't take a couple of good days vacation . 
Then this attention i get from some , and me in reply , and this eye contact i get , i get a fuzzy picture , and i can't just synchronize between the body language and the topic , each are sometimes makes me even more curious , what's inside ? and what's behind ? 
Also me recognizing that i am acknowledged by older people , can it go that way ? can  the younger inspire ? with the older being busy with family issues , money issues , and soul entertainment ? 
 Do i receive attention because of the experiences i had or because of the way i think ? though i think both are related , my way of thinking is related in what kind of experiences i had .. me growing up , living with boys , adventure , music , praying , my connection to God , they make me . 
It is more like a self review of my past experiences in this year , 2013 - 2014 , i hadn't say alot , and i missed a lot of events too that are worthy to be told , but time won't allow me now , time is a serious tragedy in my daily life , but i am sure i can continue in another series of thoughts to be shared here ,for now i might be ending this with some photos , displaying what i have become , i wish i can do better in the coming days , till my end .

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