Man , that's like going wild .... o' .i can't find my way back to earth of reality , why should i anyway??!
it's me when i am thrown in troubles ..
it's not like me when i am not that one lost under the clouds of the rainy thoughts ..
i get punked whenever it feels so
whatever i say , it just came out without decision , but maybe has a point that i am not aware of , at least ..not yet!
it's me when i have the free soul
the possession of a free willing .
the desire to cross the barrier between you and me
it's me ..when i have the desire to laugh ..then i laugh in the saddest situation
yea , and crying ..it is my enemy ..shows my weakness sometimes ,shows when do i get punked ..even if i want to , still it's a mystery for me , why do i dislike this part in my life , when i begin to weep .
however , tears are signs of innocence too ..mm ..i'd be glad if i had bits of this innocence , if anything pure left? ! after all these troubles we have been through and still facing them ..
best thing i found when i get punked ..is that u realize everything is so easy to be done , but it's hard to make a decision , and it's hard to take a first step ..or perhaps i feel lazy?
yea that's me too..laziness is my friend ..so is doubt ..so is forgetting , so is being blinded by some good things done for me .
we have to uncover our eyes though from time to time , to see and check upon facts ..are they still the same ? did laws of life change? did humanity wake up? did conscience get born again?? did hypocrisy die?
these are laws to me ..
laws i have found without searching for them , by luck!
it's not like i am gonna say i am lucky i knew these laws , because still ...hundreds of laws i haven't learned of yet ..still and still ..i am being sarcastic of things , of every one , of myself ..it 's also a law in human being ..law of complicated human nature ..
one drop of tear is not worthy to fall from my eyes .
i would like to feel independent in my life course .
and never welcome any failure that would knock on my heart's door .
if you push my hands away that offered help , i don't lose but it is oblivion
don't own this obsession of admiration and the magical thing they call love
i own a half heart that is colored with black and red and white
i would like to think that the white part is the most taking over part .
innocence and purity , beauty and peace
i heard that carrying a heart that can love , but ceasing this ability and enclosing it in a cold chest is a brutal crime .
such a mystical adventure to wait for the one who will attach his half heart with yours .
yet there is a deep vision behind this , i seek salvation , of any bonds , of any any barriers .
i long to be free ..
yet they see that being in someone's care list is an unforgotten pleasure
something that can't be made up for .
i thought of leaving things the way they are .
but it feels bad when someone starts caring and you deny him.
denial is another brutal crime .. equal to ingratitude
i am ashamed of the mess that might happen as a consequences of surrendering
and storms will be awaken , rain will fall , and hearts break to halves , to the way they once were . the way we once were born .
i want the rain to never stop
i want it to pour down on me and never stop
and i want the streets to be flooded with ponds and mud
i want the traces on the mud be gone ..
i want to place my feet in a better place
from this dark street to a beautiful boulevard
i don't want to meet psychos on my way there
i'll throw my fists on any maniac that will try to stop me from reaching any aim
i'll go there and i would cut my bonds if i had to
i'll let go of any other dream
i'll let go of being who i used to be
i just want to be there
in the place where they claimed
there , they said ..i should find my peace ...
yet i stopped ..
where is it .. this peace ???!!
well he just sat there , and the cup of hot chocolate was between his hands , it was her choice , cup of hot chocolate in that freezing cold evening ..
they sat in that cafeteria , as he offered her to have something warm after that long day full of classes and courses .
she seemed to be bothered with something , she just kept staring at her face's reflection in the cup . He didn't wanna gaze at her , he wasn't that kinda guy that would do that , they weren't close enough to share thoughts .So he only was silent and thought of asking - like any normal person would - what was wrong , she looked at him with her grey deep eyes ,and smiled ," ah , nothing , just things i am thinking of ".
Then he remembered a friend saying once that if someone wanted to be close to someone he should show care and sympathy .
he kept on doing so , " ok , is it something that i shouldn't know? i mean secret or something ? " , he assumed if he said so , that would be a nice attempt to show care .
" it's just silly matters , you know , studies , problems , misunderstanding ,...kinda stuff "
she answered in a shyness , she moved her fingers through her dark hair and put them behind her ears .
" oh , ok " , then he was silent again ....
" you know ," she said looking at him , he thought finally , here it comes .
" this girl , jina ..how muh i hate her right now !she wasn't supposed to do this ! not infront of everybody ..."
" what did she do? " , he asked , with curiosity .
" didn't you hear ?! she said to every one that i am weak and i can't own the leadership of the performance team for the welcome party ..,she said it behind my back ..i mean ..how could she ? " , she was alittle whispering , then she was about to yell .
He looked left to see if anyone one heard or noticed them , luckly they weren't , also there table was at the right corner , so there was no worries .
he didn't like the way she reacted , he wasn't of a much experience to deal with angry girls , especially with her , especially when he had a crush on her , and it was an important moment for him , sitting with her .
she sat properly on her chair and sighed , she looked away from him .
He had nothing in mind , he was just thinking and thinking and thinking , trying to catch the proper words to be said , but couldn't , till a while elapsed and really something was to be said .
she drifted her eyes at his . " why don't you say something ? "
he looked at hers and then took his eyes to somewhere else and he murmured . " uh .."
" indeed , you are something different , larry " ,she said with a smile .
" am i ? " , he asked .
" yep ! but it feels good , being with you " ,she said .
he was trembling , but he couldn't do anything but smile back .
" you know , the best part in you is your silence ..i felt quite better " ..she laughed , " really " ,and confirmed .
he figured it out , silence was in his favor .
when he thought this would be his enemy , it turned to be his best method to use .
BE YOURSELF ..
Some how , One can reach to a certain limit which after it , nothing could do further effects in him than it has been already done ...
let's just live in a solitude for a moment and think rationally..
if we took a pathway that would be because of our choices and decisions ..
and the origin of our problems is our choices , eventually we say if only.......!
and solitude is all what awaits .. to share your loneliness
as this is the end of the path you chose , and accepting this is hard to face.
yet you face many characters and minds , and you pick those you like .
then it is luck to play its role , it's destiny , and don't say why .
i fall in a cloud of confusion and i wish if there would be some drops of rain to make things as clear as i want .
i got stuck between desire and compromise ....that's like what have i thrown myself into??
it could be just easier if i flew through emptiness of being numb
lost among the shadows of fake blurry feelings..
o if you knew , what these minds are thinking of ..i dare that i won't have to think of compromising for such minds
it's the desire which i will follow and i'll be taken under its lead
and that's my own personal desire
i will not belong to anyone's belief ..
going here and there , to this and that ..
it's too much weight when caring about everyone , it's not worthy and it's too expensive
it takes maybe half of your life to understand only one being ..how about hundreds ? in the past ? not mentioning those who are coming in the future being added to those of the present that maybe not be lasting forever ..too much ! and this needs alot of compromising .
i could have a concept of giving up ..not always
but if i believe in something , i'll fight for it and stand for it against any barrier ..
to those who think breaking a human's spirit is an easy thing to do
things aren't that simple , it's much deeper .
simple as shallow waters
..those are really of fragile hearts , those who will really go down , deluded and despised
